For many couples, the process of deciding to go to couples therapy can be acutely difficult, at least in part because of the associations that people have with it: that your relationship must be in really bad shape for you to go to therapy, that going to therapy means you’re on the verge of breaking up, or that you two aren’t competent enough to handle things on your own. None of these things are necessarily true, though that stigma can be a massive barrier. A recent survey of 250 people conducted by Ours, the couples therapy company that sponsored and co-ran this experiment, found 33% of people didn’t know how to convince their partner to come to couples therapy; another 33% thought they could do it, but it’d be a tough sell. 

Of course, for our participants, going to therapy wouldn’t have the same weighty context that most people head to couples therapy with. In fact, most of our participants were actually highly open and excited about the prospect of going to couples therapy. The context of the experiment likely allowed them to approach the idea of couples therapy in a lighter, more low-stakes, and exploratory way. “I’m extremely curious and a little excited,” Gabriel said with a laugh on the morning of the session. “It’s cool there’s a mutual willingness and openness to this. I’m pretty jazzed about that.”

Many of the participants also identified unique potential benefits that people just starting to date each other may be able to get from couples therapy. “If I personally am forced to be vulnerable in the very early talking stages, that might really make an impact on, you know, how we move forward or how I move forward in a relationship,” Nancy said, who acknowledged that she usually struggles with vulnerability when first getting to know a potential partner. Couples therapy could be a good solve for that, she noted.

Jennifer also loved the idea of accelerating the process of self-disclosure. “I feel like I just want to get all of my baggage out there so people can say yes or no quickly,” she said. She paused, then added: “But I don’t know if that’s helpful to build a relationship or vet someone from.”

Danielle looked forward to having just a really frank, much-needed conversation with Scott about each other’s needs. Plus, it would happen before the moment of crisis, when emotions aren’t running high. “It would be nice to kind of go into this, not necessarily needing to have a trauma dump of both our crap, but more just like, hey, this is where I’m at. This is something that I’m struggling with or that I’ve struggled with in past relationships. And, like, how can I be there for you through that?”

Importantly, our participants were also people who intentionally opted into a social experiment about couples therapy, so our group certainly had a bit of a self-selection bias. Though none of the participants had been to couples therapy before, all but one currently or have in the past attended individual therapy regularly. Most of them had strong, positive feelings about therapy in general.

Danielle, for example, was personally fascinated with the concept of couples therapy, and as an avid therapy-goer herself, she knew she wanted to date somebody who either went to therapy too or was at least committed to personal growth.

In general, openness to therapy has increased dramatically in recent years. In 2018, the American Psychological Association found 35% of millennials and 37% of Gen Z said they receive or have received help from a mental health professional, compared to 26% of Gen X, 22% of Boomers, and just 15% of older adults, suggesting generational shifts how people think about mental health care in general. So it’d make sense for couples therapy to follow suit.

Some participants, like Danielle and Jennifer, had considered couples therapy in past relationships but never ultimately went. “I’ve always been the type of person that’s like, I will try my hardest, I will fight till the end, I will commit to you until, like, we really can’t do this anymore. And so I’ve always thought in my mind at that point, I’m like, God, I wish someone would just, like, help us,” Jennifer said. For Danielle, the main thing stopping her from going in the past had been age: “I thought that that was for, you know, couples who'd been married for 20 years and were miserable,” Danielle said. “I didn't think that it was for me, and it wasn't the right thing.” 

So because of these predispositions, almost all our participants had no trouble deciding to attend the session: Jennifer, Danielle, Nancy, and Bianca each asked their respective dates, and nearly all of their partners responded with an enthusiastic yes.

There was however, one exception…

Leading up to the day of the session, Jennifer had a feeling that Jeff was moving forward reluctantly. She decided to call him up to make sure he was feeling safe and comfortable. She didn’t want to make anybody do anything they didn’t want to do. On the call, she noticed he was still hesitant but trying to talk himself into it. He ended the call saying he was still down. “I probably should have taken it as a sign and personally just been like, hey, if I have to go through so many hoops to convince someone to do this, then I probably don’t feel safe in this situation anymore, and I should just back out,” she said. “But you know, I trusted him. I trusted that he was an adult and could make these decisions on his own.”

Things took a turn for the worst the day before the session. Jennifer asked him again how he was feeling, and Jeff finally told her that he needed to be honest:

He had met someone else, and he was really hitting it off with the other girl. 

He had been feeling out of sorts about it all week leading up to the session, guilty about keeping the truth about this other girl from Jennifer all the while coordinating attending couples therapy together. The commitment also felt like a bigger thing than just a second date, and he didn’t feel like he was in the right space for it. “I felt like couples therapy was too much of a commitment for someone who is still in the mode of meeting new people,” he explained. “I felt an obligation to her that made me feel uncomfortable.”

Jennifer and Jeff’s situation actually mirrors the real-life experiences of couples trying to decide whether to go to couples therapy together. In some situations, one partner is willing to go while the other refuses. According to the aforementioned 2017 survey, one in eight people who say couples therapy isn’t an option in their relationship say it’s because their partner won’t go. Another Ours survey of 268 people found one in three didn’t know how to convince their partner to come to couples therapy or even how to bring it up.

Sometimes one person is able to drag their partner to the therapist’s couch, only to have them not fully engaging during the sessions. Researchers and clinicians estimate up to 30% of couples who show up to therapy are “mixed-agenda couples,” where one partner is invested in making the relationship work while the other is already somewhat “leaning out” of the relationship and reluctant to put effort into therapy. Unsurprisingly, 45% of mixed-agenda couples separate within six months after attending therapy, according to one 2012 study.

Jeff did offer to do the session with Jennifer anyway, which she immediately shot down. She wasn’t upset about him dating other people; she thought that was par for the course since they’d only been on one date anyway. But to her, therapy was a safe space, and she wanted to have a psychologically safe experience with a person that would fully engage and co-create it with her. She was also upset with his inability to communicate and problem-solve with her, which turned her off from going any deeper with him.

In the end, Jennifer and Jeff never attended the session. After she told him they should cancel, she never heard from him again.